Why do I blog?

I blog simply because I need a therapist.

I need someone to talk me through my struggles.

I need someone to share my inspiration with.

I need someone who just let's me speak.

I need someone who gives me advice to carry on and to carry through.

My blog does all of this.

I have been asked multiple times why I blog and my simple answer is because I need help. 

If someone were to pick up my journal they would be scared. I write in it like a crazy woman. I write in it when I am mad when I need to let it all out. When I need to clarify what is going on. Ah I am confused when I write, it is sporadic, negative, and full of so much emotion. Raw emotion. The scary kind of emotion. So I blog to relieve myself of this.

I blog mainly because I need advice and when I discover something inspiring I know I need to listen. So I blog the inspiration and I let all of my positive energy run wild.

With that know that I have hundreds of 'drafts' that are full of sadness and negativity. I have journals full of confusion and frustration. I publish what I need to be hearing myself. I publish it in the off chance that someone needs to hear what I am saying too. 

So there it is folks. I blog because it is therapy. Plain and simple. For me. And possibly for you.

Have courage to be imperfect

Have courage, be brave, do something crazy, yolo, have faith, be open, take your walls down... The list goes on. But courage to be imperfect sums up every single one and will bring more joy than can ever be explained. 

Perfection is something we strive for each and everyday whether it be with school, work, our bodies, our relationships. We want to be perfect. Why? Because everyone else seems to have it made.

Working with girls who struggle everyday to eat and find peace with their bodies is an incredible experience. I love my job. But oh is it tough and is it humbling. 

I never realized what a blessing it was growing up with a lunch box packed with cheese&breadsticks, a fruit roll up, and a Capri Sun. Grew up with, "what's for dinner" "I don't know, I am having a snickers". Grew up with a freezer full of ice cream and a bowl full of fresh fruit to eat at any moment. Food was never scary, it was never good or bad for you. Food was food, you ate what you felt like and you ate until you were satisfied.

Sure I binge on occasions eating until I feel sick, there are also days I don't eat more than a bowl of cereal and a pb&j sandwich. I also hate looking in the mirror sometimes, I hate wearing certain clothes, I feel insecure and ugly. But we all do this. It is normal. We all want perfection and we aren't very good at it sometimes.

Not being very good at it is where joy comes from. We all have flaws so we might as well love them. I don't believe in flaws unless they are temporary, a bad outfit, a crooked haircut, the mountain range of zits that like to appear. Those are flaws. Are bodies and our minds however, are not. They are amazing.

If we open ourselves up and realize that we are made for a reason. We are made to do something great. We are made in a certain way for certain reason. We will discover something great. We need to love what we got because that is who we are. 

Discovering what your purpose is comes after you truly discover yourself. Discover yourself and then love yourself. Because we are all brilliant, we are all kind, we are all creative, we all dream, and we can all accomplish.

Mindfulness

I work at a treatment center and at this treatment center I have the opportunity to sit through many group therapy sessions. Some sessions pertain to my life, others not so much. One in particular stands out every time. Each group I pull out such pertinent information. The group is mindfulness. I always thought that I had a lot of this. I have been told I think too much. I think about everything. I am also very positive, I take in what is surrounding me and I try to make the best of the situation. Truth is. I can be more mindful. We had a session once where we closed our eyes and we opened our mind to something negative and something impermeable. As I sat and thought about something negative and impermeable one thing came to mind. Something, someone who can bring as many negative feelings as positive into my head. Someone who fills me with confusion, self doubt, and fear. I sat with my eyes closed thinking only of the negative, getting deeper onto this thought and feeling consumed by the negativity that could come. Then we were told to open our minds to it. To understand that this is something very realistic that can happen. Open our minds to see that if this thing were to come back into our lives that we would have to find a way to be okay with it. I had to find a way to be open to it happening while also seeing that I can take control and that I won't need this to be permanent. 

My thinking, everyone needs to try this. It helped me realize that hard things happen and they are okay. 

seize every moment

Carpe Diem my friends is a simple phrase many of us know and hear frequently. Seize the day.

This is something we say all the time, thanks to Tim McGraw, we all know we need to live like we are dying. But what does this mean? We all make our annual resolutions, bucket lists are really big now, some even get it tattooed on their body. We are in constant reminder to live up every moment and love every day.

But when are we actually going to start doing it? Start appreciating every moment? Start reminding those around you how much you truly do love them?

I met Lucas in the 9th grade and were almost instantaneous best friends. He is one of the few boys my mom would let sleep over any day any time and was loved like a son by both of my parents.

After school we would often go take naps in his huge bed and just sit and laugh for hours on end.

Lucas had a light about him that radiated to everyone who met him. His smile brightened anyone's day. And his goofy personality and charm made anyone feel like a good friend and made everyone feel important.

Lucas brought the life to every party and his giant hugs were something no one could forget and everyone had a hard time letting go of.

Partying was something that Lucas did very well. Whether it was a pool party in Junior High, a sleepover in high school, a toga party in college, he was there and he made sure everyone was having a good time.

While boating on June 29, 2013 Lucas passed away. Doing something we all do all the time Lucas slipped into another life that we aren't very familiar with. Lucas was sitting on the back of the boat with a group of friends when suddenly he collapsed. Out of no where with no signal or sign he was gone. With immediate care, CPR, and paramedics working hard there was nothing any one could do. Carbon Monoxide poisoning is deadly, we have heard stories on the news of people who have passed away in their home or car because of it, but on a boat? In the middle of a lake? With your best friend by your side? It doesn't make sense. It never will.

A sudden tragedy that took a life with not the slightest hint or clue as to why, brought many friends together. Friends that mean so dearly to one another, friends that we hardly ever see.

Impacted by Lucas's life we will all remember and be in constant remembrance of how precious life can be. How important every moment and every joy is. An amazing man who is teaching us all that we can do hard things and that life is something that needs to be lived.

Lucas Allyn – Oct. 9, 1990 to June 29, 2013