Why do I blog?

I blog simply because I need a therapist.

I need someone to talk me through my struggles.

I need someone to share my inspiration with.

I need someone who just let's me speak.

I need someone who gives me advice to carry on and to carry through.

My blog does all of this.

I have been asked multiple times why I blog and my simple answer is because I need help. 

If someone were to pick up my journal they would be scared. I write in it like a crazy woman. I write in it when I am mad when I need to let it all out. When I need to clarify what is going on. Ah I am confused when I write, it is sporadic, negative, and full of so much emotion. Raw emotion. The scary kind of emotion. So I blog to relieve myself of this.

I blog mainly because I need advice and when I discover something inspiring I know I need to listen. So I blog the inspiration and I let all of my positive energy run wild.

With that know that I have hundreds of 'drafts' that are full of sadness and negativity. I have journals full of confusion and frustration. I publish what I need to be hearing myself. I publish it in the off chance that someone needs to hear what I am saying too. 

So there it is folks. I blog because it is therapy. Plain and simple. For me. And possibly for you.

Have courage to be imperfect

Have courage, be brave, do something crazy, yolo, have faith, be open, take your walls down... The list goes on. But courage to be imperfect sums up every single one and will bring more joy than can ever be explained. 

Perfection is something we strive for each and everyday whether it be with school, work, our bodies, our relationships. We want to be perfect. Why? Because everyone else seems to have it made.

Working with girls who struggle everyday to eat and find peace with their bodies is an incredible experience. I love my job. But oh is it tough and is it humbling. 

I never realized what a blessing it was growing up with a lunch box packed with cheese&breadsticks, a fruit roll up, and a Capri Sun. Grew up with, "what's for dinner" "I don't know, I am having a snickers". Grew up with a freezer full of ice cream and a bowl full of fresh fruit to eat at any moment. Food was never scary, it was never good or bad for you. Food was food, you ate what you felt like and you ate until you were satisfied.

Sure I binge on occasions eating until I feel sick, there are also days I don't eat more than a bowl of cereal and a pb&j sandwich. I also hate looking in the mirror sometimes, I hate wearing certain clothes, I feel insecure and ugly. But we all do this. It is normal. We all want perfection and we aren't very good at it sometimes.

Not being very good at it is where joy comes from. We all have flaws so we might as well love them. I don't believe in flaws unless they are temporary, a bad outfit, a crooked haircut, the mountain range of zits that like to appear. Those are flaws. Are bodies and our minds however, are not. They are amazing.

If we open ourselves up and realize that we are made for a reason. We are made to do something great. We are made in a certain way for certain reason. We will discover something great. We need to love what we got because that is who we are. 

Discovering what your purpose is comes after you truly discover yourself. Discover yourself and then love yourself. Because we are all brilliant, we are all kind, we are all creative, we all dream, and we can all accomplish.

Mindfulness

I work at a treatment center and at this treatment center I have the opportunity to sit through many group therapy sessions. Some sessions pertain to my life, others not so much. One in particular stands out every time. Each group I pull out such pertinent information. The group is mindfulness. I always thought that I had a lot of this. I have been told I think too much. I think about everything. I am also very positive, I take in what is surrounding me and I try to make the best of the situation. Truth is. I can be more mindful. We had a session once where we closed our eyes and we opened our mind to something negative and something impermeable. As I sat and thought about something negative and impermeable one thing came to mind. Something, someone who can bring as many negative feelings as positive into my head. Someone who fills me with confusion, self doubt, and fear. I sat with my eyes closed thinking only of the negative, getting deeper onto this thought and feeling consumed by the negativity that could come. Then we were told to open our minds to it. To understand that this is something very realistic that can happen. Open our minds to see that if this thing were to come back into our lives that we would have to find a way to be okay with it. I had to find a way to be open to it happening while also seeing that I can take control and that I won't need this to be permanent. 

My thinking, everyone needs to try this. It helped me realize that hard things happen and they are okay. 

seize every moment

Carpe Diem my friends is a simple phrase many of us know and hear frequently. Seize the day.

This is something we say all the time, thanks to Tim McGraw, we all know we need to live like we are dying. But what does this mean? We all make our annual resolutions, bucket lists are really big now, some even get it tattooed on their body. We are in constant reminder to live up every moment and love every day.

But when are we actually going to start doing it? Start appreciating every moment? Start reminding those around you how much you truly do love them?

I met Lucas in the 9th grade and were almost instantaneous best friends. He is one of the few boys my mom would let sleep over any day any time and was loved like a son by both of my parents.

After school we would often go take naps in his huge bed and just sit and laugh for hours on end.

Lucas had a light about him that radiated to everyone who met him. His smile brightened anyone's day. And his goofy personality and charm made anyone feel like a good friend and made everyone feel important.

Lucas brought the life to every party and his giant hugs were something no one could forget and everyone had a hard time letting go of.

Partying was something that Lucas did very well. Whether it was a pool party in Junior High, a sleepover in high school, a toga party in college, he was there and he made sure everyone was having a good time.

While boating on June 29, 2013 Lucas passed away. Doing something we all do all the time Lucas slipped into another life that we aren't very familiar with. Lucas was sitting on the back of the boat with a group of friends when suddenly he collapsed. Out of no where with no signal or sign he was gone. With immediate care, CPR, and paramedics working hard there was nothing any one could do. Carbon Monoxide poisoning is deadly, we have heard stories on the news of people who have passed away in their home or car because of it, but on a boat? In the middle of a lake? With your best friend by your side? It doesn't make sense. It never will.

A sudden tragedy that took a life with not the slightest hint or clue as to why, brought many friends together. Friends that mean so dearly to one another, friends that we hardly ever see.

Impacted by Lucas's life we will all remember and be in constant remembrance of how precious life can be. How important every moment and every joy is. An amazing man who is teaching us all that we can do hard things and that life is something that needs to be lived.

Lucas Allyn – Oct. 9, 1990 to June 29, 2013

m o t h e r

My mom is one incredible person.
It would be impossible to put into words everything great about her and why I love her so much.

For starters, she gets me.
She understands every happy moment and sad moment I have. She gives THE best advice. Sometimes I don't like to hear it, and I like to tell her she is wrong... she never is. She sees the important details in everything.

My mom loves. She loves with her whole heart and nothing less. She has taught me that family is important and life needs to be enjoyed. She seizes every moment and she has such a passion for life.

My mom is an example.
I bet sometimes my mom worries about us kids. She doesn't need to. She has taught us so much and we are becoming incredible people because of her. She is always showing me how to love, live, care, enjoy, accomplish, understand, dream, love, love and love.

My mom puts up with a lot. A lot of tears, a lot of sass, a lot of laziness, and a whole lot of crazy. She may get mad but it always ends in a smile. She also will stand up for me and my three siblings no matter what the situation. When I say no matter the situation, I mean it.

She likes drama. She doesn't think so, and she likes to roll her eyes when me and piper get stuck on tangents and rants about the people we surround ourselves with... but she loves it. She cares about her little, but not so little girls. As much as she may hate the emotion sometimes, she never hates our feelings, and she always reminds us that it is okay to feel.

My mom is funny.
Have you met the lady?!
I haven't met anyone who has disagreed.
She is funny.

Oh another thing. She loves her flowers, her yard, her antiques, and her cupcakes. NEVER hate on ANY of them. She will kick your butt. She will yell at your friends if they are stepping on the plants in the yard, she will make cupcakes for anyone who doubts her skills, and she will beat you with one of her 75 rolling pins if you comment on her being a hoarder. I mean antique collector.

P.S. she is beautiful. inside and out. and has been since day one.

I love you mom! Happy Mother's Day!

Who?

While on a drive with my cute dad he asked, "If you could meet anyone who would you want to meet?" Instantly, as I am sure any of us would ask, I asked, "dead or alive?" He said alive. This instantly trumped my dream of meeting Mother Teresa; so I had to sit and wonder....

Before I could come up with an answer we talked about celebrities, the allstars, the movie stars, the #1 business men and women and how neat it would be to meet them but only for a brief moment. And how it could be so much more rewarding to meet someone else. We also concluded that God's plan includes them.... That their selfish ways and disgusting amounts of money are here for a reason. That reason, I decided, was to show us that a little more is always a little better and we will never have enough.

I then thought back to a trip I took to India. In India I realized that the happiest people in life have the littlest amounts. That when you are forced to find joy in your impoverished situations it is not as difficult. It makes my heart hurt for all of the times I want more and for when I think that what I have isn't enough.

I have more than enough.

The answer to my dad's question then came, it is too hard to figure that out, because ultimately I want to meet a person who is fulfilling my dreams. Who is giving their entire life to do what they can to make the world a better place. A person who is not looking for fame, money, their name in a book or newspaper, but someone who is just giving. I want so badly to be that person, that is the person I want to meet. It is too hard to find that person because that person is far from the tabloids and not sitting in the big corporate office. That person is out in the world encouraging people, bringing happiness, sharing peace, and changing the world.

You may have thought of someone. I thought of one. Our prophet, Thomas S. Monson. I don't want to meet him to gain more insight on God, to shake hands with someone who is known worldwide, but because he is someone who wants the world to be better and lives everyday of his life working to make it that way. I then decided I would be too overwhelmed meeting him, and that I need to just become that person I want to meet. On my own.

Dream Big.

The purpose of life is… Above all else, is to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have it made some difference that we lived at all.   

-Leo Rosten

fear

Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

-Cinderella Story

I had the chance to go to dinner with someone I care about more than he will ever know. He not only makes my best friend the happiest girl in the whole world but he manages to listen to a lot of what I have to say and gives me some of the BEST advice. 

I have been in this rut where I continually am holding back because of WHAT IF situations. I can't do this anymore. What if is the worst thing that we can do. Sure we need to think about the future and consider options but we should never let the unknown keep us form something that makes us happy. 

I have always been a live in the moment go with the flow kind of girl but lately, not so much. I am always thinking about what could be best, or what might be best... But you never really know if what happens truly is or was the best.

It is a difficult concept but it hasn't left my mind since dinner. You never know what is going to happen so you really do need to take every moment as it comes. If something makes you happy and there is chance it will continue making you happy then keep doing it. The only time to stop is when it doesn't give you happiness any longer.

I kept asking him, but what if something will make me more happy? His only words were then that something will make you more happy. It is out of my control until it happens. Everything happens for a reason and I need to remember that each day. Each day my decisions will effect who I am and who I become. If something is meant to be that isn't happening, God will make it happen. 

As for now I need to live my life and live it to the fullest. Each day finding happiness. Each day doing what I love.

help

Lately I have needed a little help in my life. Some days go by where I am just extremely lazy. 90% of last semester was spent in class or at the library and despite taking more credits this semester I find myself focused on everything but school more and more. Maybe it is because I have spring fever.. maybe it is because all I want is a job where I can have an income.. maybe it is because I am the only one of my roommates in school.. maybe it is because a certain boy has made his way back into my life, or I have made my way back into his.. maybe it is because I have senioritis.....  My dad once asked me if I wanted to graduate early, if I wanted to enter college with credits, or an associates degree, I told him no. I wanted the full college experience! I told him that this was the only time in my life I would be going to college and I didn't want to miss ANY of it. well... here I am in my fourth year of college with a lot more than 3/4 of a semester left. The end is barely barely barely in sight...
So the point of this post was to not remind you/myself about how much I hate the idea of school right now it is for a little more. I wanted to share with you what I has been getting me through the cold, the homework, and the bad days. it is a little motivation. motivation I find on pinterest, society6 posters, and YouTube.

enjoy