my dad

Father's Day is being celebrated a little late this year in our family. And he doesn't care, so neither should you. This year on June 15th he was really busy spoiling his three girls in the Dominican Republic. And how could we not celebrate with Tanner?! I mean if we are going to celebrate him being a father we are going to wait until at least 75% of the children can show up to celebrate with him! So today is the day!! 

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY DAD

Dad's are the best but I am just going to talk about my favorite dad in this post.

Mr. Steve Aste. 

For starters, he is the greatest dad of all time. Let me tell you why.

My dad has tried for the past 23 years and almost 2 months to not raise a princess. So far.... he has failed. (sorry to break it to you dad!) I was raised with a very blessed lifestyle. Although we NEVER had anything "fancy" we had a lot. For example, spending money somewhere like Ruth's Chris would just be absurd and unheard of; but Cafe Rio three times a week is totally reasonable. My dad is nothing short of amazing and he has done an amazing job raising four children. We are not perfect and sometimes we are not amazing but none of that is his fault. He has taught us so much and I have so much to be grateful for. 

My dad is generous. He is always thinking about others. Growing up my dad would always ask, "Jordan, what good did you do in the world today?" Sometimes this question was really easy, "I volunteered at the old folks home." "I helped make 500 sandwiches for the homeless." Sometimes, it was not so easy and I had to come up with whatever I could, "I did not fight with Tanner when he called 'shotgun' before me." "I unloaded the dishwasher after only being asked twice." .... although some were a stretch they always seemed to be acceptable and if anything he taught me that service needs to be done everyday and that we are accountable for doing it.

My dad likes sports. This is something that sets my relationship with him apart from my other siblings. We all get into the NFL season and Tanner really likes soccer, but for me, sports is a little different. I watch espn and sports center by choice, I love to read up on players and potential draft picks. I know the rules of most games and I LOVE talking sports with my dad. And no matter what I say, wrong or right, he makes me feel like I know what I am talking about. 

As I continue writing I realize I could write for days, so maybe I should shorten my post. Here is a list of some things that make my dad really cool.

- he jumped for joy and cheered louder than I have ever heard while we were on a golf course after I made the best shot of my life

- he drove an old loud broken down white explorer for way longer than he ever should have

- he wore a multicolored turban in India

- he fixes a lot of teeth for free. not just when he goes on service trips. but every day.

- he will always eat a bowl of ice cream with me

- he has stayed up late and watched hundreds of hours of SVU with me

- he has kept our family one of the last families in world that doesn't have smart phones

- he has never been mean to my mom. even if she were to flood the basement twice in one month he wouldn't be mean.

- he doesn't hold a grudge against anyone

- his ringtones range from FGL's Cruise to Katy Perry's Teenage Dream

- he gets emotional when he bares his testimony

- he sings every word of the utah fight song every time it is played at a game

- he made me start paying my own bills in the 8th grade

- he takes a lot of "ten minute" naps

- he loves everyone he meets

- he took me to a Blink182 concert when I was in the 4th grade and he took Piper to Hillary Duff as well, so pretty much he will listen to anything and most times you'll catch him singing along to just about every song. 

I honestly could go on forever. There are no words to sum up my love for him and there is no way I could ever make a list of all the cool things he has done. His number one quality is that he is loving. His love runs deep and his passion for happiness, family, and others well being is something I strive to have everyday. He is the best dad. 

Why do I blog?

I blog simply because I need a therapist.

I need someone to talk me through my struggles.

I need someone to share my inspiration with.

I need someone who just let's me speak.

I need someone who gives me advice to carry on and to carry through.

My blog does all of this.

I have been asked multiple times why I blog and my simple answer is because I need help. 

If someone were to pick up my journal they would be scared. I write in it like a crazy woman. I write in it when I am mad when I need to let it all out. When I need to clarify what is going on. Ah I am confused when I write, it is sporadic, negative, and full of so much emotion. Raw emotion. The scary kind of emotion. So I blog to relieve myself of this.

I blog mainly because I need advice and when I discover something inspiring I know I need to listen. So I blog the inspiration and I let all of my positive energy run wild.

With that know that I have hundreds of 'drafts' that are full of sadness and negativity. I have journals full of confusion and frustration. I publish what I need to be hearing myself. I publish it in the off chance that someone needs to hear what I am saying too. 

So there it is folks. I blog because it is therapy. Plain and simple. For me. And possibly for you.

Have courage to be imperfect

Have courage, be brave, do something crazy, yolo, have faith, be open, take your walls down... The list goes on. But courage to be imperfect sums up every single one and will bring more joy than can ever be explained. 

Perfection is something we strive for each and everyday whether it be with school, work, our bodies, our relationships. We want to be perfect. Why? Because everyone else seems to have it made.

Working with girls who struggle everyday to eat and find peace with their bodies is an incredible experience. I love my job. But oh is it tough and is it humbling. 

I never realized what a blessing it was growing up with a lunch box packed with cheese&breadsticks, a fruit roll up, and a Capri Sun. Grew up with, "what's for dinner" "I don't know, I am having a snickers". Grew up with a freezer full of ice cream and a bowl full of fresh fruit to eat at any moment. Food was never scary, it was never good or bad for you. Food was food, you ate what you felt like and you ate until you were satisfied.

Sure I binge on occasions eating until I feel sick, there are also days I don't eat more than a bowl of cereal and a pb&j sandwich. I also hate looking in the mirror sometimes, I hate wearing certain clothes, I feel insecure and ugly. But we all do this. It is normal. We all want perfection and we aren't very good at it sometimes.

Not being very good at it is where joy comes from. We all have flaws so we might as well love them. I don't believe in flaws unless they are temporary, a bad outfit, a crooked haircut, the mountain range of zits that like to appear. Those are flaws. Are bodies and our minds however, are not. They are amazing.

If we open ourselves up and realize that we are made for a reason. We are made to do something great. We are made in a certain way for certain reason. We will discover something great. We need to love what we got because that is who we are. 

Discovering what your purpose is comes after you truly discover yourself. Discover yourself and then love yourself. Because we are all brilliant, we are all kind, we are all creative, we all dream, and we can all accomplish.

Mindfulness

I work at a treatment center and at this treatment center I have the opportunity to sit through many group therapy sessions. Some sessions pertain to my life, others not so much. One in particular stands out every time. Each group I pull out such pertinent information. The group is mindfulness. I always thought that I had a lot of this. I have been told I think too much. I think about everything. I am also very positive, I take in what is surrounding me and I try to make the best of the situation. Truth is. I can be more mindful. We had a session once where we closed our eyes and we opened our mind to something negative and something impermeable. As I sat and thought about something negative and impermeable one thing came to mind. Something, someone who can bring as many negative feelings as positive into my head. Someone who fills me with confusion, self doubt, and fear. I sat with my eyes closed thinking only of the negative, getting deeper onto this thought and feeling consumed by the negativity that could come. Then we were told to open our minds to it. To understand that this is something very realistic that can happen. Open our minds to see that if this thing were to come back into our lives that we would have to find a way to be okay with it. I had to find a way to be open to it happening while also seeing that I can take control and that I won't need this to be permanent. 

My thinking, everyone needs to try this. It helped me realize that hard things happen and they are okay. 

seize every moment

Carpe Diem my friends is a simple phrase many of us know and hear frequently. Seize the day.

This is something we say all the time, thanks to Tim McGraw, we all know we need to live like we are dying. But what does this mean? We all make our annual resolutions, bucket lists are really big now, some even get it tattooed on their body. We are in constant reminder to live up every moment and love every day.

But when are we actually going to start doing it? Start appreciating every moment? Start reminding those around you how much you truly do love them?

I met Lucas in the 9th grade and were almost instantaneous best friends. He is one of the few boys my mom would let sleep over any day any time and was loved like a son by both of my parents.

After school we would often go take naps in his huge bed and just sit and laugh for hours on end.

Lucas had a light about him that radiated to everyone who met him. His smile brightened anyone's day. And his goofy personality and charm made anyone feel like a good friend and made everyone feel important.

Lucas brought the life to every party and his giant hugs were something no one could forget and everyone had a hard time letting go of.

Partying was something that Lucas did very well. Whether it was a pool party in Junior High, a sleepover in high school, a toga party in college, he was there and he made sure everyone was having a good time.

While boating on June 29, 2013 Lucas passed away. Doing something we all do all the time Lucas slipped into another life that we aren't very familiar with. Lucas was sitting on the back of the boat with a group of friends when suddenly he collapsed. Out of no where with no signal or sign he was gone. With immediate care, CPR, and paramedics working hard there was nothing any one could do. Carbon Monoxide poisoning is deadly, we have heard stories on the news of people who have passed away in their home or car because of it, but on a boat? In the middle of a lake? With your best friend by your side? It doesn't make sense. It never will.

A sudden tragedy that took a life with not the slightest hint or clue as to why, brought many friends together. Friends that mean so dearly to one another, friends that we hardly ever see.

Impacted by Lucas's life we will all remember and be in constant remembrance of how precious life can be. How important every moment and every joy is. An amazing man who is teaching us all that we can do hard things and that life is something that needs to be lived.

Lucas Allyn – Oct. 9, 1990 to June 29, 2013

m o t h e r

My mom is one incredible person.
It would be impossible to put into words everything great about her and why I love her so much.

For starters, she gets me.
She understands every happy moment and sad moment I have. She gives THE best advice. Sometimes I don't like to hear it, and I like to tell her she is wrong... she never is. She sees the important details in everything.

My mom loves. She loves with her whole heart and nothing less. She has taught me that family is important and life needs to be enjoyed. She seizes every moment and she has such a passion for life.

My mom is an example.
I bet sometimes my mom worries about us kids. She doesn't need to. She has taught us so much and we are becoming incredible people because of her. She is always showing me how to love, live, care, enjoy, accomplish, understand, dream, love, love and love.

My mom puts up with a lot. A lot of tears, a lot of sass, a lot of laziness, and a whole lot of crazy. She may get mad but it always ends in a smile. She also will stand up for me and my three siblings no matter what the situation. When I say no matter the situation, I mean it.

She likes drama. She doesn't think so, and she likes to roll her eyes when me and piper get stuck on tangents and rants about the people we surround ourselves with... but she loves it. She cares about her little, but not so little girls. As much as she may hate the emotion sometimes, she never hates our feelings, and she always reminds us that it is okay to feel.

My mom is funny.
Have you met the lady?!
I haven't met anyone who has disagreed.
She is funny.

Oh another thing. She loves her flowers, her yard, her antiques, and her cupcakes. NEVER hate on ANY of them. She will kick your butt. She will yell at your friends if they are stepping on the plants in the yard, she will make cupcakes for anyone who doubts her skills, and she will beat you with one of her 75 rolling pins if you comment on her being a hoarder. I mean antique collector.

P.S. she is beautiful. inside and out. and has been since day one.

I love you mom! Happy Mother's Day!

Who?

While on a drive with my cute dad he asked, "If you could meet anyone who would you want to meet?" Instantly, as I am sure any of us would ask, I asked, "dead or alive?" He said alive. This instantly trumped my dream of meeting Mother Teresa; so I had to sit and wonder....

Before I could come up with an answer we talked about celebrities, the allstars, the movie stars, the #1 business men and women and how neat it would be to meet them but only for a brief moment. And how it could be so much more rewarding to meet someone else. We also concluded that God's plan includes them.... That their selfish ways and disgusting amounts of money are here for a reason. That reason, I decided, was to show us that a little more is always a little better and we will never have enough.

I then thought back to a trip I took to India. In India I realized that the happiest people in life have the littlest amounts. That when you are forced to find joy in your impoverished situations it is not as difficult. It makes my heart hurt for all of the times I want more and for when I think that what I have isn't enough.

I have more than enough.

The answer to my dad's question then came, it is too hard to figure that out, because ultimately I want to meet a person who is fulfilling my dreams. Who is giving their entire life to do what they can to make the world a better place. A person who is not looking for fame, money, their name in a book or newspaper, but someone who is just giving. I want so badly to be that person, that is the person I want to meet. It is too hard to find that person because that person is far from the tabloids and not sitting in the big corporate office. That person is out in the world encouraging people, bringing happiness, sharing peace, and changing the world.

You may have thought of someone. I thought of one. Our prophet, Thomas S. Monson. I don't want to meet him to gain more insight on God, to shake hands with someone who is known worldwide, but because he is someone who wants the world to be better and lives everyday of his life working to make it that way. I then decided I would be too overwhelmed meeting him, and that I need to just become that person I want to meet. On my own.

Dream Big.

The purpose of life is… Above all else, is to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have it made some difference that we lived at all.   

-Leo Rosten

fear

Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

-Cinderella Story

I had the chance to go to dinner with someone I care about more than he will ever know. He not only makes my best friend the happiest girl in the whole world but he manages to listen to a lot of what I have to say and gives me some of the BEST advice. 

I have been in this rut where I continually am holding back because of WHAT IF situations. I can't do this anymore. What if is the worst thing that we can do. Sure we need to think about the future and consider options but we should never let the unknown keep us form something that makes us happy. 

I have always been a live in the moment go with the flow kind of girl but lately, not so much. I am always thinking about what could be best, or what might be best... But you never really know if what happens truly is or was the best.

It is a difficult concept but it hasn't left my mind since dinner. You never know what is going to happen so you really do need to take every moment as it comes. If something makes you happy and there is chance it will continue making you happy then keep doing it. The only time to stop is when it doesn't give you happiness any longer.

I kept asking him, but what if something will make me more happy? His only words were then that something will make you more happy. It is out of my control until it happens. Everything happens for a reason and I need to remember that each day. Each day my decisions will effect who I am and who I become. If something is meant to be that isn't happening, God will make it happen. 

As for now I need to live my life and live it to the fullest. Each day finding happiness. Each day doing what I love.

help

Lately I have needed a little help in my life. Some days go by where I am just extremely lazy. 90% of last semester was spent in class or at the library and despite taking more credits this semester I find myself focused on everything but school more and more. Maybe it is because I have spring fever.. maybe it is because all I want is a job where I can have an income.. maybe it is because I am the only one of my roommates in school.. maybe it is because a certain boy has made his way back into my life, or I have made my way back into his.. maybe it is because I have senioritis.....  My dad once asked me if I wanted to graduate early, if I wanted to enter college with credits, or an associates degree, I told him no. I wanted the full college experience! I told him that this was the only time in my life I would be going to college and I didn't want to miss ANY of it. well... here I am in my fourth year of college with a lot more than 3/4 of a semester left. The end is barely barely barely in sight...
So the point of this post was to not remind you/myself about how much I hate the idea of school right now it is for a little more. I wanted to share with you what I has been getting me through the cold, the homework, and the bad days. it is a little motivation. motivation I find on pinterest, society6 posters, and YouTube.

enjoy

a tribute

My Aunt Maria read this on Christmas Eve and I needed to share.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

for Sandy Hook Elementary

Twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38, 

when 20 beautiful children stormed though heaven's gate.

Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.

They could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.

They were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say......

They remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.

"Where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.

"This is heaven." declared a small boy.

"We're spending Christmas at God's house." 

When what to their wondering eyes did appear, 

but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.

He looked to them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.

Then he opened His arms and He called them by name.

And in the moment was joy, that only heaven can bring.

Those children all flew into the arms of their King.

And as they lingered in the warmth of his embrace, 

one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.

And as He could read all the questions she had, 

He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."

Then he closed His eyes and He outstretched his hand, 

"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!" 

"May this country be delivered form the hands of fools"

"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"

Then he and the children stood up without a sound; 

"Come now my children, let me show you around."

Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran;

All displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.

And I hear Him proclaim as he walked out of sight, 

"In the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

by: Cameo Smith

I love those little kiddies and their families just the same! I send more than just love their way.

christmas

I love Christmas.
It is my favorite holiday by far.
The month of December is filled with family gatherings, good food, laughter, memories, and generous hearts. I could thank a lot of people for making the holiday season so great but there is one person who makes Christmas time my favorite. That person is my Grandma Sandy. Each aunt, uncle, cousin, and sibling will agree. Grandma makes Christmas what it is. My grandma's spirit is everywhere. On every table, every decoration, the christmas carols, the memories, each detail, she is there. No one will understand but she makes Christmas magical. Our family traditions keep us close and remind us of the amazing person who influenced who we are today. Each Christmas eve before singing carols around her grave the girls in my family gather around the piano and sing the forgotten carols. It is the same song every year, tears are shed by all around, and grandma is there with us. Just hearing the song gives me chills and I am sure it does each member of my family. I can't wait for Christmas.

***

I cry the day

that I take the tree down

I want the season

To last all year round

And I'm dreaming of

Christmases when

We'll be together again

***

love

3 months ago today my relationship ended.
Since then, I still have a hard time getting out of bed,
I stay up late with my mind wandering,
and I most definitely have not fallen out of love.

3 months people....
that is a long time.

In the last 3 months if we have had a conversation, I have more likely than not asked for some sort of relationship advice or internally felt more pathetic than a spineless hedgehog.

Well to say the least I have gotten really good advice... sometimes it helps... other times not so much.


I have heard that these emotions make you feel alive.


I have heard that getting out of bed can be an accomplishment somedays.


I have heard that time is good.


I have heard that I just need a little hope and faith.


Hope, faith, time, waking up, and being alive.

This is what I need and you may need it too.

I don't know if it is just me but a lot of the relationships that surrounded my life the past couple of months are deteriorating. Does this mean that February, March, and April of 2013 will have a staggering less amount of engaged couples than in previous years?

probably not.

But it does mean that I am not alone.
And that is what keeps me together most days.
Knowing that my hardships are not unique and that if I expect others to pull through, I need to too.

craze

I am going crazy.
We had almost a week long break in which I spent every minute of it at my family's cabin. I managed to get a little studying in, a lot of family time in, some great laughs, some good gaming, and a whole lot of food. I am having a Thanksgiving hangover currently. While also in spirits of thanksgiving we also celebrated birthdays of my dad, mom, and piper, and had a few housewarming parties at the cabin with great friends.

Take me back.

thanksgiving

Guilt

forgiveness is hard.

forgiving yourself is even harder.

Piper

I love this girl.

She is 17 today, so it is only fitting I right 17 great things about her.

1. She is my best friend.

2. She is a princess.

3. Piper doesn't get mad at anything besides stealing her clothes or making her kill spiders.

4. She loves to sing no matter how good her voice is that day.

 5. Piper would go out of her way to make anyone feel better.

6. She is the best cuddle buddy.

7. She doesn't stop caring.

8. She doesn't stop smiling.

 9. Her pain tolerance is unbelievable. 

10. She loves sleepovers.

 11. When Piper loves you, she makes it a point to show you.

12. Piper talks louder than anyone I know but I have heard her yell maybe twice.

 13. She calls just to say hi.

14. Her laugh is ridiculously contagious.

 15. She is patient. very patient.

16. The important things in her life are her sister, cupcakes, and clothes.

17. She is the best sister the best friend and is turning into an even more incredible person everyday. 

Happy Birthday Baby!

politics. by first graders

With today being election day, this seemed appropriate.
Today in first grade, I learned about politics.

boy: I don't want Obama to win because he smokes.
girl: What do you mean?
boy: I mean he smokes....
girl: (sits there confused)
boy: Like he does drugs!
girl: Some drugs are good.


girl: Did you know that obama is going to cut everyone open and put chips in their arms?


girl: Obama will win because my mom is always right.


boy: I love Mint Ramen


Our class had a mini election with a voting booth and all....
Results:

Obama: 11
Romney: 12

so unfortunately true.

be remarkable

sometimes I feel like I am just along for the ride. often times I forget my place in the world. I wake up forgetting my potential, my affect, my talents. I am one who just goes with the flow. I do what I am told. I forget.
so as I remember, let yourself remember this too.
John Green wrote,

Wow.... another semester down.
It feels like I was just in Sweden yesterday
but soo much has happened this semester.

I am done with finals and it is officially summertime!! kind of... I am more stressed than I should be.. Why is that?! Because EVERYONE has a job.... except me, classes start on Monday and I haven't thought twice about buying another textbook,  and I am going to live with 6 girls this summer, three of which I don't know, and to top it all off, Jon leaves in 12 days to move across the country. Am I worried? Not in the least bit. I am actually beyond excited for what is in store for me this summer. It is going to be an adventure to say the least. as for this weekend though, I am sitting back and relaxing. because I am done. at least for the weekend.

Jon has an amazing opportunity ahead of him, he is off to work in a physical therapy clinic as an intern in NEW JERSEY! We all know how well dating long distance worked out last time.... and so yes, we are trying again. Why not right? Things work better the second time anyways, as we've all been told practice makes perfect. This time around, I will be the one at home and Jon will be having the experience of a lifetime. I am so excited for him to live outside of Utah doing something he will hopefully fall even more in love with.

As for summer school.... yep, I am taking it. And YES I will be in school for 100 more years. Literally. Between switching my major, taking fun classes, studying abroad, and adding a second major to my load it has set me off track a little bit... but it will be WAY fun being in college with my younger siblings. RIGHT?! bittersweet to say the least.

forever.

so that is now, but what was then? Spring semester is over and I had so much fun. Nothing went as expected and it has been a blast. I don't have a lot of pictures from this semester because I didn't have a camera at the beginning. I spent a lot of time in bed sick with tonsillitis/getting them removed. and I became less of a picture addict as #hashtagging and instagram seemed to take over everyone's spare time. I also surprisingly took up major studying habits and am receiving the best grades this semester than I have ever had in my entire life. to recap with the few pictures I have, I will start here.

I not only moved back to the United States, or Utah, but I moved back to LOGAN! 

Welcome home!

no words can explain what happened here... just...

here we are! together!

Katie fell more in love with Mario... I mean Mason.

This became my new bed. 

who knew being a junior in college would mean getting a bunk bed?

One of my very most favorite couples got engaged!

Literally so perfect for each other!

Our apartment accidentally started growing random... plants.

I continued volunteering with Best Buddies and had the

amazing opportunity to be Tagg's buddy.

We got WAKEE with the best game in the world,

more times than I could ever count.

We country danced in the Talent Show. 

Next year we may or may not be headlining.

I dated a blood drop while Jon put on multiple campus wide blood drives.

Rugby games became regular weekend events as Connor began starting in the Varsity games.

And as the end came, we got to take a little break and go to St. George!